I'm Tired of Everything
The following account was shared with me by someone who wants to stay anonymous yesterday. It was both heart-wrenching and agonising to hear about this. The only intention of this person is to tell her story to the world and in a sense, gain closure. I have divided the story into three segments based on the occurrence on a timeline and added storytelling elements to the excerpt from her.
First segment :
My story starts within the premise of ingrained innocence in a middle school. Infatuation was definitely not marked anywhere on my schedule. As I held my empty water bottle with my hands and swayed it from one hand to the other, I gave a quick glance at a classroom which was adjacent to mine. And within this short duration in my view space, there he stood casually holding a book of "Harry Potter and Order of the Phoenix" and deeply engrossed in it. He was so deeply engrossed in it that he didn't notice my more-than-half-second staring. He seemed to be so immersed into the novel that he paid little attention to his surroundings. The middle school me totally fell for him not for his handsome face but his attitude and demarcation from his surroundings. As someone who was constantly bullied and tossed around like a ragged doll, I fantasized a life in which I was left to coexist with minimal attention.
My oversized body, incapability to participate in any sports and my disproportionate face were easy targets for bullying. Adding a cherry on the top was my inability to make any friends I could trust greatly due to my starkly different background and introverted personality. This was the year when I chose books as my medium of escape, because reality was quite scary to live in. Few months passed with not a day being different adding my dislike in portions towards attending school. One eventful day, we had assembled to select the vice captain of my club. To my surprise, there he stood along with the others as nominees. He was the only boy among the others. He delivered a speech so eloquently, it was hard for my heart not to fangirl.
I learned that day he was an excellent orator and writer. And it doesn't end there. In his speech he expanded on his athletic prowess by being part of the school's basketball and volleyball team. As someone who has just seen these playing fields afar, my heart sank in despair. As he concluded his speech, I applauded until my hands gave out. When the voting phase happened, first time in my life, I went against the system and my morals, and secretly added several votes with his name into the ballot. When the results were announced, I rushed to congratulate him over his victory which he accepted graciously, acknowledging me with a nod and a smile. Up until higher secondary, I took every opportunity that came in my way in order to congratulate him for every one of his little victories.
The bulling continued and in the final year of higher secondary, we shared the same classroom. This was when my fangirling peaked wherein I get to be in close proximity by him and breathe the same air he breathed. It does sound really silly now, but I was immature on several levels. His presence didn't make my situation any better because I still was an easy target for the others. I remember vividly this particular event majorly because this was one of the only specular highlights of my existence until now. I had no accolades to my name, no awards, above average grades to keep my parents satisfied and expect nothing more from me.
When my English teacher asked us to compose an essay on our favourite idea of an vacation, I frantically wrote an imaginary piece on my vacation in Maldives. I would hold onto an ice-cream and watch the waves rhythmically going back and forth onto the shore. My English teacher finalized mine and his to be the best essays she has ever received. He shook my hands and it felt so magical. High school almost passed on a fast lane with competitive exams taking the soul out of me, rampaged by parental pressure and teacher's expectation. The only solace was that I had no peer pressure due to the lack of peers. I achieved what would be perceived to be a good grade but not noteworthy enough to receive an award on stage.
And there arrived the last day of school. I saw him hugging every single one of our classmates. And when he came close to me, he merely extended his hand and congratulated me for making it through. And then he proceeded to hug every other person in that room. I wished I was any other person in this room without this ugly appearance. Anyone, someone but not myself. I proceed to take a walk around the basketball court to let my mind wander. There were not many positive moments to reminisce associated to school apart from him. I saw him walk with a group of friends towards me. My heart screamed "now or never" confess your feeling towards him. My brain knew better as I walked past him. I continued walking towards my home with tears clouding my eyes to a point where my eyes were puffed. When I entered home, my mom embraced me looking at my sad and puffed face. She said back then how I missed school to be sent to this state. Only the tears which surfaced along my pathway to home knew the real story. And that was my first heartache which can technically not be called one since the other person rarely knew me.
Second Segment :
First year of college rolled by with no notable event to be remembered. Unlike school, I formed a few friends due to my recent escape towards shopping and eating out together. Have you ever gone shopping to buy something you absolutely do not require but spent hours together to make the choice. It proved as a nice little getaway from my past, and I deposited my previous experienced neatly in a small segment of my brain. It only resurfaced when I was truly alone, reminding me of my default personality and my first crush.
Amidst the middle of second semester, I was rushing towards attending a lab when my heart stopped for the second time. No, I didn't have a heart attack back then, it was a mere metaphor. He sat on one of the benches with a wide smile on his face explaining to his friend a concept which went over my head. Only thing that I noticed which mattered to me was his smile and assuring face. He looked like someone who figured out everything in life, and radiated a smile every second. I wish I could stay longer in his presence but I had to attend this lab as attendance was a foolish criterion to make sure every student performed to her/his best. Before I leap frothed, I had a look at the book and mentally noted his department.
Fast forward several days later, I occasionally saw him hanging around in our college canteens and the benches near my labs. I had a sheepish glance at him every time he looked in the other direction. These innocent stares passed on for a year with hardly any other event to light up the day. If I get to see him on a particular day, it brightened up my day. New semester brought in new electives, I learned from a friend of a friend of a friend of his that he is taking the lecture in competitive sciences. I took this class without a second thought. I barged into the classroom 20 minutes prior to the schedule which was a rarity considering all throughout my previous college life.
My eyes dilated and heart paced rapidly when he entered the classroom, after having a quick glance at the seating arrangement inside the classroom and proceeded to take the last row. I was seated in the first row, half hoping that he would seat himself next to me. What an idiot I was! I didn't lose every bit of my immature juice, and chanced every opportunity to talk to his friend who had a clear extroverted personality. Through him, I got to know that he performs as the lead bassist of our college's band. For someone who has never attended any of the college events, this was fresh news. I proceed to attend every one of the college event in which he performed. Noticing my constant attendance, he approached me post a common lecture. He asked me about my musical inclination to which I blurted some random genres. He gave me his angel-like smile which melted my heart. We had a few in-person conversations and more social media chats after I pushed myself to send him a friend request.
Prior to this I had a dormant social media presence. I liked every one of his posts and interacted with him about the thoughts behind his post. My posts were hardly seen by anyone to a point where I stopped posting anything. On a very special day which I cannot point fingers at, he asked me if he wanted to attend his gig at a pub. I had never been to a pub before this. I arrived 30 minutes prior to the gig which stands as a testament that I have never been to a pub before. I had recently turned 21 and looked much younger which lead me to be stopped at the entrance of the pub for an identity card. Luckily, I carried one with me. I sat in the corner of the pub waiting for them to appear through the entrance. The bartender constantly questioned me what I would like to drink, to which I dismissed him stating that my friends are on their way.
After an hour, him and a mutual friend of ours arrived. His first question was, "why did you come so early?" I blurted out that I have never been to a pub before, to which he laughed to his heart out. He asked me to get myself comfortable as he proceeded to set up the instruments for the gig. I wasn't even a bit comfortable due to my rather gauche persona. I didn't have any courage to initiate conversation with anyone and had a few chats with the mutual friend. To lift me from such a pathetic state, the band started radiating their energy in the form of music. He started playing his solo after a while to which I screamed my heart out and waved both of my hands to the beat he charismatically had mastered. I was just in the moment, didn't care a bit about the surrounding nor let my inhibitions take the better of me. After staying an hour long, I said my goodbye and left with my heart feeling content. My heart fluttered with joy and my mind replayed several of these moments where he stroke the strings and waved at the crowd. He embodies charisma completely and gave it a face.
We rarely saw each other the next semester due to differing schedules to a point where I almost lost contact with him. I still liked every one of his posts, closely monitoring his journey. By the end of the semester, he invited me to another one of his gig which would be happening in an institution close to where I live. I arrived an hour early with no one to accompany me there. I felt so awkward being the only one in the performance room apart from the support staff. He arrived with his band members about an hour and half later. He casually waved at me and proceeded backstage. I wanted to pounce from my seat and proceed with him backstage. But my brain took the better decision at the moment and I remained rooted to my seat. I stayed till the end of the event, hoping that I would be able to talk to him after the performance. But to my dismay, he rushed along with his band members outside the hall. I walked out dejected, all alone until I reached the gate and boarded the last bus back home. I am snobby, so I did cry while I strolled within the campus before I reached the gate. I felt like I was used just as a cheerleader and a prop who was among the crowd.
The next day, he did apologize to me after I sent the photos I had taken during the event giving me a half-baked excuse. We didn't see each other until the end of the last year in college. I saw him waiting for his cab to arrive besides the gates to our college. I already knew now that history would rather repeat itself, so I just had a casual chat with him before he left. I occasionally see my face in the mirror, and it was definitely not made to be loved by anyone. My predictions proved to be true, as he stopped replying to my messages and I took the hint and started letting him go. This heartbreak was more painful than the previous one due to my interactions with him. I also slowly transcended away from social media, barely stating my presence there.
Final Segment :
Being an above average student, I was able to enter a premier institute to pursue my studies in geophysics in Sweden. I tried to cement my previous experiences back in my homeland but this proved to be a failure of magnanimous level. I was quick to be able to make friends on academic grounds. The first year was quickly quenched by coursework and assignments followed by exams. To my surprise, my first crush had messaged me on Facebook.
He stated his intention at the very beginning. He congratulated me on securing admission into a premier institution and requested my help in preparing for GRE (a competitive exam) in order to secure his admission to USA. I had a rough idea from my limited social media presence that he was going to pursue a master in cinematography. I decided to help him, and walked him through every step of the process. He thanked me profoundly, and after which never messaged me and nor I him. Fast forward to another six months, I was surprised to notice that my second crush had moved to USA to pursue his studies in material science. I messaged him to congratulate, to which he replied immediately. My previous experience stinted me and I stopped messaging him.
Fast forward to the time when I was about to graduate, my second crush contacted me regarding an academic help that he required and gave me his contact number. After helping him, I knew that I needed a closure, so I wrote an elaborate message to him, explaining to him how I had a crush on him back then and how it turned out to be a mere infatuation. He thanked me for being honest with him, and we moved on to being mere acquaintances. I detoxed myself from social media, and tried to enter the dating game by installing a popular application. I spend eight months there with no responses or matches. This hit hard on me, making me realize how I had felt during my college. It served to be a validation that nobody wanted to even offer me a chance. I quickly spiralled through depression which had various contributing factors and destroyed my academic record.
I moved back to my home country and had to spend a week in quarantine before moving back to my family. During this time, while casually browsing a professional network I come across a short movie about education. The video spoke to me and made me fall in love with it. I fell for the art before I even knew the person. When I viewed the creator's blog associated with his videos, I fell in love with his face. Such a diligent face with much calmness and wisdom. And in quick succession, I shunned and supressed this feeling towards him having had hurtful previous experience. But curiosity took the better of me as I watched every short film he had directed and his vision towards education greatly resonated with me.
I spend major segments of my copious time attending his webinars where he explained his ideation and helped by providing tips to budding storytellers. He was also promoting his recent movie, which took him close to a year to ideate and execute. He self produced this film, thus greatly depended on his audience to promote his film. After a little thought, I decided to purchase his film. I thanked him profusely for his work and attention to detail to which he kindly responded.
I did something I have never done in my life before this, I publicised his movie through my professional networks and wrote detailed reviews about his work. He established a community on Discord to have continuous engagement with his buyers. I took it upon myself to answer several queries of people even though I knew so little about this field. This was greatly because I recognized his genial soul and how thoughtful his responses were. He had a profound effect on me, motivating me to work towards applying to work as an intern in several companies associated to geophysics. We chatted regularly on how we could publicize his work more, and I starred every one of this conversations. I wrote them down in my personal journal. I composed a musical piece with my guitar which I rarely touched, and gingerly sent it to him. He was so kind to praise my rather novice attempt which clearly belonged to the trash.
We kept in touch regularly, and I gave continuous feedback to his work. This passed on for months where I was getting rejections one after the other to every application I made. The community that he had developed proved to be a solace to me online, his community greatly reverbed to my answers and thoughts. Everything proceeded like a dream, thanks to the support from my family. When I had little to no privilege to love someone, I couldn't help falling in love with him. Unlike previous two instances, I actually felt that I would be able to establish a relationship with him. I was clearly dreaming, partly due to the fact that we are miles apart both in place and career. Call it mother of coincidence, he also resided in the USA! I repeated chided myself for welcoming such thoughts. I hardly had the right to love anyone given my mental and financial condition. And to add to the misery, I have a track record for having an abhorrent face. Despite my several tries to supress the thoughts pertaining to him, they kept rephrasing in my mind.
A mutual friend casually hinted to me that he was open to date. Call it lunacy or higher loss of self-consciousness, I approached him a few days ago with my interest to date him. I knew the minute I sent the message that I was fighting a losing battle, but a little voice kept telling me he is the one repeatedly. To validate my apprehensions, he declined kindly. Perhaps he didn't want a long distance relationship, or he was not currently looking but I never asked him anything. I respected his "No" and wished him luck with his search. My pillow was stained with my tears that night, my sobbing was soft to make sure I don't alert my family about my miserable condition. I hardly slept, angered at myself for sending this message. I have essentially lost his trust in me and coincidently lost my intend to communicate with the community. He will surely be crediting all my previous work for the community to the intend of dating him. But, I did all that and publicize his work because I greatly believed in his vision. Though I am shattered and feel miserable about myself, I will continue to support him after a short break.
I have understood through past experiences that relationship is just not for me. I never confided any of these stories with any of my friends or family. Many of my friends used to tell me that dating is a numbers game, but I have had three takes which have already greatly affected me. My last experience has scarred me enough to know better and not venture into dating for several years to come. Do you know what is the most cruel thing ever : when you love someone who doesn't love you. I should shift my focus to my career because my family supported me throughout my life, and it is time for me to give back to them and gain some self-respect. For the following two days, I tried to maintain a smiling face but my mind is cluttered and morbid. After all, I am human too, who wants a shoulder to lie on from time to time. Thank you for reading my experience.
The third segment was particularly painful to write since it happened quite recently. I sincerely thank this person for sharing her experience. I spent a sleepless night to articulate and write this post and connect the dots. To be honest, I am not in the best of my mind after writing this. I will be taking a writing detox to recover, and might return to writing next month or much later. I am not sure.
[jetpack_subscription_form show_subscribers_total="false" button_on_newline="false" custom_background_button_color="#a30023" custom_font_size="16" custom_border_radius="0" custom_border_weight="1" custom_padding="15" custom_spacing="10" submit_button_classes="" email_field_classes="" show_only_email_and_button="true"]